Is this your hammer in the sink?

QUESTION: Is 600 square feet enough space for a 12 inch fish, a 37 inch TV, a sectional sofa, a 55 gallon fish tank, a 26 year old boy and all of his toys?
ANSWER: Where there's a will there's a way, if you're really determined you'll make it fit, and you might even be able to fit a girlfriend and some of her crap too - but don't expect it to be comfortable.
EXAMPLE: Boyfriend has made the big move. He (WE) made the 22 hour drive, him in the moving truck, me following behind in the car, and he moved up here. THANK GOD. It was an interesting trip, lots of time in the car, 3 sets of batteries for the walkie talkies and a whole lot of channel surfing on the radio, but we survived the trip, didn't kill each other and managed to still be in love when we pulled into the parking lot of his new apartment.

His new apartment is really nice, but really SMALL. It's got all of the amenities, washer and dryer in the unit, two pools, two jacuzzis, indoor basketball court, reserved parking, it has everything... Everything but a bedroom. Boyfriend has rented a studio. 600 square feet to call his own. This is fine, he doesn't need to be spending a ton of money on a place right now, who knows what he'll want to do in 6 months, how his job will be going, better to not be tied to huge rent if you don't need to be. The problem is that he moved from a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom condo into said 600 square foot studio... which as we have found, could create some problems.

Lucky for us, his moving truck was too small and he couldn't fit all of his furniture. Lucky for us he couldn't bring his bed or his dresser or his patio furniture. Lucky for us because that stuff would not have fit in this apartment.

BUT lucky for us we could fit the 55 gallon fish tank (traveling with Fish is a whole different blog, one I'm not sure I'll ever be willing to relive enough to write about it) and we could fit the 37 inch TV and the 22 inch TV. And THANK GOD, the XBox made it 1300 miles safely. And don't worry, we also managed to safely transport like 7 sets of speakers and about 75 miles of speaker wire.

The closet in the apartment is a good size and it came with lots of shelves so it's been pretty easy to store stuff in there. Sure, you have to take the cooler out of the bathtub before you shower, but that's not that big a deal right? The outside storage is nice and fits most of his tools and camping gear. But this leads me to ask, if there is outside storage, why on Earth is there a tool box in the kitchen and a hammer in the sink??

The answer is simple. Boyfriend is an airplane mechanic and they are required to have all of their own tools. The tool box - and I do not mean a hand held tool box, that's kid stuff; this is one of the those red, rolling Craftsman jobs, the kind that's taller than me and weighs three times as much - will be going to work with him beginning next week. And I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be happier because right now it fits nicely, with about an inch to spare on either side, in between the refrigerator and one of the cupboards. So, if you want to open the fridge wide enough to actually be able to stick your hand inside, you have to roll the tool box out of the way. IF you wanted to get to the ONE pot or one of the TWO pans that is in the cupboard, you have to roll the tool box out of the way. But if you roll the tool box out of the way don't expect to be able to move more than about 3 inches in any direction and don't even try to open the oven. And the hammer in the sink? Well it's in the sink because there's no room on the counter, that's piled high with socket wrenches. This hasn't been a complete inconvenience though, just the other night I needed to pound some chicken, and since the utensil drawer was blocked by the tool box, the hammer in the sink actually came in quite handy!

In all, it's a small price to pay to have him here right? Right. Besides, everything that matters has it's spot. The beer light looks great above the TV, sure, you have to sit a little close to the screen, but if you pretend you're at the movies it's no big deal. And, since he's installed and strategically placed all of those speakers the surround sound is pretty awesome, just don't turn up the rally car racing game too loud, it rattles the tool box in the kitchen...

Your body is a wonderland...

QUESTION: Do these pants make my butt look big?
ANSWER: No. Always, NO.
EXAMPLE: Was chatting with Boyfriend the other night, honestly can't remember what about, but I know that I was annoyingly obsessing about my body image problems. In an attempt to be sweet he told me that he thought I was beautiful inside and out. Good. That he is very attracted to me no matter what. Great. That he loved my smile. Awesome. And that he also loved my "curves" that I am actually a "woman and look like one" and that he loved my "thick" hips. Cue the record skipping sound effect. THICK?!? No, boys, no.

As a side note I will admit, freely, that I am by no stretch of the imagination a thin girl. I'm not fat, I know this, but I'm packing a little more junk in the trunk than I'm comfortable with and I'm just a little bit more squishy than I might like to be. If one man were to ask another man whether I was fat or not, I'm pretty sure the response would be "She's not fat. She's not super skinny, but she's not fat," and as we all know that means "She could stand to lose a few, but you wouldn't be embarrassed to take her out in public."

This being said, I am very thankful that Boyfriend is attracted to me, I mean, thank goodness. He's sweet and his heart was in the right place, but THICK is not appropriate. You cannot say "thick" to the chunky girl and expect that she'll respond favorably. Boys, here is a list of words and phrases that ARE acceptable: "pretty"; "gorgeous"; "beautiful"; "smokin hot"; "stunning". Here is a list of words and phrases, that while you may use with the very best of intentions, should never, ever be said out loud: "thick"; "meat on your bones"; "big boned"; "soft"; etc. You get the idea right?

Granted, we will ask you "Do I look fat?" and you have, in your mind, two options: tell the truth and suffer the consequences; or lie. Always opt for the latter, no matter how much we tell you that we want you to be honest with us. If weight is becoming a serious problem, talk to us about it, offer to go to the gym with us or for a jog, suggest that we both start to eat better, but be sensitive. We want to be attractive to you more than anybody else, so we'll do what we need to in order to maintain that attractiveness. But please, please, chose your words carefully. Especially if your girlfriend is a little on the "thick" side, because even if you think that everything about her is smokin hot and even if you think she is the most beautiful creature you've ever laid eyes on, "thick" is not an effective way of communicating that...

Living the Life of a Mistress

QUESTION: Is it cheating when the "other woman" is an X Box?
ANSWER: In the technology age I'm very tempted to say that yes, that is definitely cheating, but the real bad news ladies? Chances are YOU are the "other woman" and the X Box is the wife he'll never leave...
EXAMPLE: There is no doubt in my mind that Boyfriend loves me. He tells me, he shows me in a million different ways, and I believe him. But there is also no doubt in my mind that Boyfriend loves his various gaming systems, maybe just as much.

He's not a "gamer" really, I wouldn't go that far. He doesn't subscribe to any gaming mags, on most days he sees the sunlight, and he doesn't have that weird glow one gets from sitting in front of a computer screen or TV for hours and hours on end. But still, he looks very forward to getting home from wherever he is to play his X Box. And he gets really excited when something happens in the game. (I would also like to point out that if Boyfriend has things to do, he does them. Chores do not go undone, work happens, etc. and then the video games begin; just to be fair to Boyfriend.)

I have witnessed Boyfriend play the same video game for literally HOURS, getting up only to pee. It's baffling, really. There are a lot of things I like to do, like read, for instance, but I really don't think I could spend as many hours in a row, as he does playing video games. And like I said, I don't really mind it, it doesn't take away from time spent with me (especially since he's still living 1500 miles away from me, I'd much rather him be in seclusion with his X Box than out where other girls might try to sink their claws into him.) but I can tell, even from 1500 miles away when he's cheating on me.

Just the other night, he was very, very tired. He had told me several times throughout the day that he would be going to bed early. He'd had a million errands to run that day and when he was done he was just going to go home and do nothing ("do nothing" is code for "play Fable") . AND he was going to go to bed early. So, around 9PM, we were text messaging and I asked if we should talk on the phone and say good night to each other before he fell asleep. His response: "I'm awake." And I knew. I knew instantly. He was playing Fable and could send me the occasional text message, but he couldn't call me because he couldn't talk and fight the forces of evil at the same time. And then I started to wonder...

Is it really the X Box that is the "other woman"? Is he cheating on me with the game system, or am I the "other woman"?

To answer that question I had to first answer the following: Which came first, Hottie or the X Box? Which did he love first? Which has he loved longer? Which gives him less back talk?

In short, I'm doomed. I'm the other woman and there's no way around it. In 50 years from now, there will still be some sort of game system in my living room, I'm sure of it. He'll never give it up... Of course, I can take some consolation in the fact that the X Box and I do have a few things in common. We both take up way too much time, we're both far more expensive than he ever bargained for, and we'll both kick his ass when he leasts expects it, if he let's us...

Public displays of frustration...

QUESTION: Is it okay to publicly talk/write about your frustrations with the opposite sex; especially if the object of your frustration is your significant other?
ANSWER: Probably not.
EXAMPLE: Talked with Boyfriend last night about my absence from the world of blogging. I told him that I missed my blog, I missed my faithful readers, I missed writing and that my public missed me. He didn't really see the big deal, so I asked him if he minded if I went back to blogging. He said he didn't ever remember asking me not to. Right. He hadn't, BUT I'm not sure he fully understands the purpose of the What the Blog - Blog. So I tried to explain.

"I write about boys," I told him, "and you're the only boy in my life."
"So why don't you write about something else then?" he asked, innocently.

Clearly, he doesn't understand. By the end of the conversation he made it clear that he didn't care whether I blogged or not, and I made a promise that I would not say anything that would hurt feelings or embarrass him. Honestly, he'll probably never read my blog. He has about a million better things to do with his internet time, than read my rants about all of the things that boys do that drive me crazy. Not to mention he doesn't have to read my rants, he's lucky enough to get to hear them, live and in person. I'm not sure why he'd even want to read my blog. Still, it was important to me that he understand what my blog consists of - full disclosure.

The question still remains though - is it okay to publicly rant about all of the things that drive me crazy about boys? Especially when it's clear that there is only one boy in my life about whom I'd be ranting? For me this is a release. It's my outlet. Some people internalize it, some people have to talk it out, others write about it; songs, poetry, blog posts. I do the latter and on a couple of occasions I've actually worked out some issues. In short, I'm back. I've returned to the blogging world and will again be publicly displaying my frustrations. But I promised to be kind, and so I will. But don't worry, toeing that line shouldn't affect my quick wit or sharp tongue that you've all come to know and love...

And you say she's just a friend...

QUESTION: If two people are friends, start dating, become even closer, and then break up for reasons other than infidelity, abuse or anything else unforgivable, why can't they remain friends? And, once it has been determined by one of the involved parties that a friendship is not a possibility, why on EARTH is it so difficult for the idiot ex-boyfriend to comprehend??
ANSWER: Because the definition of "friend" has changed and because guys want what they can't have, are selfish, and never realize what they've got until it's gone...
EXAMPLE: Just had a lengthy (and by lengthy, I mean, like 6 months long) discussion with High School Friend. She and her beau have recently parted ways for what seems like the trillionth time, and as always, he wants them to "be friends". Here's the argument: They were best friends for a year before they started dating. They remained best friends while they dated. They have broken up because it's fish or cut bait time and they're not "it" for each other. Seems simple, and it would seem that the easy decision would be to remain friends. I mean, why not, right? WRONG. Let's review one simple fact, just real quick: they did not stop seeing each other because they don't love each other. Hence, they are still in love. One more real quick fun fact: they did not stop dating because they don't have chemistry or intense physical attraction to each other. Hence, there is still chemistry and intense physical attraction. What do you think the likelihood is that these two can just "hang out"? I'd say there is no likelihood. It will ultimately lead to more-than-friends situations. And this will lead to him gettin his and her gettin her heart broken - again. I have to say, I am continually amazed by the women around me. They are brilliant, absolutely top notch in their respective professions, quick witted, blessed with street smarts and good instincts, driven and ambitious. High School Friend is no exception. What then, has caused her to lose all of her good sense when this man is involved? High School Friend is being taken advantage of. She is being used in the worst way. It's hard to see from where she's standing, she still gets all of the intimate benefits of being with him - at least until it's time to go home or be in public. Because when it all comes down to it, they might go out on "dates", make out on the couch, talk several times a day and share everything with each other, but he is NOT her boyfriend. He does not want to be, nor does he intend to be. And judging by his current behavior, he does not deserve to be. He certainly isn't displaying any qualities that we all look for in the man we want to spend the rest of our lives with, that's for sure. He's using her, he's knowingly hurting her and he doesn't seem to be very remorseful about it. My advice to High School Friend? Run, don't walk, as fast as you can, away from this Jerk. Hell, kiss a cute boy you have no intention of getting to know, that always helps. I have no doubt that he cares about her, very deeply, but he has no idea how to show it or handle it. Much easier said than done, I've been on the receiving end of this very advice and it's a bitter pill to swallow. But for somebody who claims to want to be "friends" he sure doesn't know how to act like one, so it's time to show him what happens when grown-ups break up. They move on to better. Seems unlikely now, that High School Friend will find better, but I can safely say to her that better is out there and he's just waiting for her to wake up, realize that she's worth a hell of a lot more, and open herself up to meeting him. It'll happen, it's just gonna take some good girlfriends, couple of quarts of ice cream, a few chick flicks, and most likely some vodka, but it will happen. And won't we all have fun makin it happen...

Nice day for a White Wedding

QUESTION: On a scale of 1 - 10, how good are weddings for meeting/hooking up with the opposite sex?
ANSWER: 1928371928371982379128 - they're awesome.
EXAMPLE: Roommate got married a couple of weekends ago and I had the very distinct pleasure of serving as the Maid of Honor. I was very happy to do it and was definitely honored to have been asked, but the question of who would serve as my date had been nagging at me for some time. As the blessed day drew closer and there seemed to be no date in sight, I freaked, bribed a friend with free beer, and breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to be that drunk bridesmaid dancing on the table at the reception and making out with the weird cousin that nobody really knows. So that was taken care of, I figured I'd do my duty, stand there, look pretty, fix Roommate's dress, cry my eyes out, dodge the bouquet, you know all the stuff that come with always being a bridesmaid and never being a bride. Funny how what you expect to happen and what really happens are often two very different things...

Best Man arrived at our house 2 days before the wedding. As he got out of his rental car I peeked out of my window to check him out before I had to meet him. Holy cow, gorgeous. I ran to my bathroom, did a quick check, fluffed my already huge hair and casually walked out and just happened to run into he and Boy Roommate in the living room. Boy Roommate is pretty much a neanderthal when it comes to certain social graces so after being as nonchalant as I possibly could for about 5 minutes I introduced myself. "I didn't even know Boy Roommate had a roommate," Best Man told me. I laughed and shot Boy Roommate a look of hate for not having mentioned me and retreated back to my room. Best Man and Boy Roommate spent the remainder of the evening playing video games, much to my dismay, and it wasn't until the rehearsal dinner that Best Man and I finally got to "connect".

Not knowing anybody at the rehearsal dinner, we were forced to hang out with each other. (THANK GOD) And as luck would have it, it turns out that he's just perfect. Long story short: I quickly called Guy Friend to tell him he was off the hook as my wedding date and it was an incredible few days, an absolutely beautiful wedding and love was definitely in the air. I try to keep my geekiness about boys in the lovey-dovey sense, to a minimum, but truth be told, I'm totally geeked on this guy. The bad news, you ask? He lives 1500 miles away...

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been lovely in love and it's just not as easy to blog when I'm not the Bitter Betty that I normally am; so to all of my faithful readers, I apologize. I'm sure that the frustrations of a LDR will get the better of me soon enough and I'll be back in saddle and full of witty rants. And of course, while this boy does seem to be quite perfect, he is after all, still a boy, and will no doubt to boy things that make me nuts. Stay tuned.

Hot or Not?

PLEASE NOTE: PORTIONS OF THIS POST MUST BE CREDITED TO CONTRIBUTING EDITOR, BEST FRIEND. THANK YOU BE FRI.

QUESTION: Why is it that the more inappropriate something is, the hotter it is?
ANSWER: Because taboo is sexy and guys are savages when it comes to stuff like that and girls always want what the shouldn't have.
EXAMPLE: I have received several comments on my white tank/black bra post, all from guys and all some variation of: "Hottie, FYI, the white tank/black bra combo is SO HOT." Thank you, Average Male Friend. I discussed this with Best Friend and she has this to say about it:

Isn't the fact that it is unacceptable, and therefore a rarity, what makes it SO
HOT? I mean, if your grandma was walking around town with a black bra and a
wife beater and your mom followed in a red bra and a tight white tee, would it
then be SO HOT to see someone your own age doing it? Let's not forget that a few
decades ago, a woman wearing a knee-length skirt in public was SO HOT.

And she is absolutely right. (My apologies, Guys, if the thought of Grandma in the white tank/black bra or mom in a white shirt/red bra was gross. Try to put it out of your mind, think about something else, like... Lindsay Lohan in a wife beater and a black bra. That help? Again, my apologies.) It's the things that aren't supposed to be "hot" that are the most attractive. I suppose it's the same reason that tattoos and piercing are so sexy to me. Because I work in a very conservative job, was raised in a conservative house and have a conservative family; but I don't want to be with somebody who looks conservative. I want to be with a Rock Star... Since I've become a grown up I've mostly given up the dream of marrying a professional skater or a drummer in a rock band, but those things aren't any less attractive to me. Same thing goes for guys. I'm willing to bet that I can safely say that the majority of the men out there do want to be with a girl who will make a good wife and mother, somebody they can take home to the fam; but they love the thought of something a little more naughty. Which explains the fascination with the Catholic School girl, pigtails and Desperate Housewives. I think Ludacris summed it up perfectly when he so profoundly said "We want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed to say Yeah." So I'm happy to report that as I sit here at my computer in my wife beater and black bra combo, there are several guys out there who think that the outfit, if nothing else, is SO HOT.