what the blog?

Is this your hammer in the sink?

2005-09-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Is 600 square feet enough space for a 12 inch fish, a 37 inch TV, a sectional sofa, a 55 gallon fish tank, a 26 year old boy and all of his toys?
ANSWER: Where there's a will there's a way, if you're really determined you'll make it fit, and you might even be able to fit a girlfriend and some of her crap too - but don't expect it to be comfortable.
EXAMPLE: Boyfriend has made the big move. He (WE) made the 22 hour drive, him in the moving truck, me following behind in the car, and he moved up here. THANK GOD. It was an interesting trip, lots of time in the car, 3 sets of batteries for the walkie talkies and a whole lot of channel surfing on the radio, but we survived the trip, didn't kill each other and managed to still be in love when we pulled into the parking lot of his new apartment.

His new apartment is really nice, but really SMALL. It's got all of the amenities, washer and dryer in the unit, two pools, two jacuzzis, indoor basketball court, reserved parking, it has everything... Everything but a bedroom. Boyfriend has rented a studio. 600 square feet to call his own. This is fine, he doesn't need to be spending a ton of money on a place right now, who knows what he'll want to do in 6 months, how his job will be going, better to not be tied to huge rent if you don't need to be. The problem is that he moved from a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom condo into said 600 square foot studio... which as we have found, could create some problems.

Lucky for us, his moving truck was too small and he couldn't fit all of his furniture. Lucky for us he couldn't bring his bed or his dresser or his patio furniture. Lucky for us because that stuff would not have fit in this apartment.

BUT lucky for us we could fit the 55 gallon fish tank (traveling with Fish is a whole different blog, one I'm not sure I'll ever be willing to relive enough to write about it) and we could fit the 37 inch TV and the 22 inch TV. And THANK GOD, the XBox made it 1300 miles safely. And don't worry, we also managed to safely transport like 7 sets of speakers and about 75 miles of speaker wire.

The closet in the apartment is a good size and it came with lots of shelves so it's been pretty easy to store stuff in there. Sure, you have to take the cooler out of the bathtub before you shower, but that's not that big a deal right? The outside storage is nice and fits most of his tools and camping gear. But this leads me to ask, if there is outside storage, why on Earth is there a tool box in the kitchen and a hammer in the sink??

The answer is simple. Boyfriend is an airplane mechanic and they are required to have all of their own tools. The tool box - and I do not mean a hand held tool box, that's kid stuff; this is one of the those red, rolling Craftsman jobs, the kind that's taller than me and weighs three times as much - will be going to work with him beginning next week. And I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be happier because right now it fits nicely, with about an inch to spare on either side, in between the refrigerator and one of the cupboards. So, if you want to open the fridge wide enough to actually be able to stick your hand inside, you have to roll the tool box out of the way. IF you wanted to get to the ONE pot or one of the TWO pans that is in the cupboard, you have to roll the tool box out of the way. But if you roll the tool box out of the way don't expect to be able to move more than about 3 inches in any direction and don't even try to open the oven. And the hammer in the sink? Well it's in the sink because there's no room on the counter, that's piled high with socket wrenches. This hasn't been a complete inconvenience though, just the other night I needed to pound some chicken, and since the utensil drawer was blocked by the tool box, the hammer in the sink actually came in quite handy!

In all, it's a small price to pay to have him here right? Right. Besides, everything that matters has it's spot. The beer light looks great above the TV, sure, you have to sit a little close to the screen, but if you pretend you're at the movies it's no big deal. And, since he's installed and strategically placed all of those speakers the surround sound is pretty awesome, just don't turn up the rally car racing game too loud, it rattles the tool box in the kitchen...

Your body is a wonderland...

2005-08-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Do these pants make my butt look big?
ANSWER: No. Always, NO.
EXAMPLE: Was chatting with Boyfriend the other night, honestly can't remember what about, but I know that I was annoyingly obsessing about my body image problems. In an attempt to be sweet he told me that he thought I was beautiful inside and out. Good. That he is very attracted to me no matter what. Great. That he loved my smile. Awesome. And that he also loved my "curves" that I am actually a "woman and look like one" and that he loved my "thick" hips. Cue the record skipping sound effect. THICK?!? No, boys, no.

As a side note I will admit, freely, that I am by no stretch of the imagination a thin girl. I'm not fat, I know this, but I'm packing a little more junk in the trunk than I'm comfortable with and I'm just a little bit more squishy than I might like to be. If one man were to ask another man whether I was fat or not, I'm pretty sure the response would be "She's not fat. She's not super skinny, but she's not fat," and as we all know that means "She could stand to lose a few, but you wouldn't be embarrassed to take her out in public."

This being said, I am very thankful that Boyfriend is attracted to me, I mean, thank goodness. He's sweet and his heart was in the right place, but THICK is not appropriate. You cannot say "thick" to the chunky girl and expect that she'll respond favorably. Boys, here is a list of words and phrases that ARE acceptable: "pretty"; "gorgeous"; "beautiful"; "smokin hot"; "stunning". Here is a list of words and phrases, that while you may use with the very best of intentions, should never, ever be said out loud: "thick"; "meat on your bones"; "big boned"; "soft"; etc. You get the idea right?

Granted, we will ask you "Do I look fat?" and you have, in your mind, two options: tell the truth and suffer the consequences; or lie. Always opt for the latter, no matter how much we tell you that we want you to be honest with us. If weight is becoming a serious problem, talk to us about it, offer to go to the gym with us or for a jog, suggest that we both start to eat better, but be sensitive. We want to be attractive to you more than anybody else, so we'll do what we need to in order to maintain that attractiveness. But please, please, chose your words carefully. Especially if your girlfriend is a little on the "thick" side, because even if you think that everything about her is smokin hot and even if you think she is the most beautiful creature you've ever laid eyes on, "thick" is not an effective way of communicating that...

Living the Life of a Mistress

2005-08-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Is it cheating when the "other woman" is an X Box?
ANSWER: In the technology age I'm very tempted to say that yes, that is definitely cheating, but the real bad news ladies? Chances are YOU are the "other woman" and the X Box is the wife he'll never leave...
EXAMPLE: There is no doubt in my mind that Boyfriend loves me. He tells me, he shows me in a million different ways, and I believe him. But there is also no doubt in my mind that Boyfriend loves his various gaming systems, maybe just as much.

He's not a "gamer" really, I wouldn't go that far. He doesn't subscribe to any gaming mags, on most days he sees the sunlight, and he doesn't have that weird glow one gets from sitting in front of a computer screen or TV for hours and hours on end. But still, he looks very forward to getting home from wherever he is to play his X Box. And he gets really excited when something happens in the game. (I would also like to point out that if Boyfriend has things to do, he does them. Chores do not go undone, work happens, etc. and then the video games begin; just to be fair to Boyfriend.)

I have witnessed Boyfriend play the same video game for literally HOURS, getting up only to pee. It's baffling, really. There are a lot of things I like to do, like read, for instance, but I really don't think I could spend as many hours in a row, as he does playing video games. And like I said, I don't really mind it, it doesn't take away from time spent with me (especially since he's still living 1500 miles away from me, I'd much rather him be in seclusion with his X Box than out where other girls might try to sink their claws into him.) but I can tell, even from 1500 miles away when he's cheating on me.

Just the other night, he was very, very tired. He had told me several times throughout the day that he would be going to bed early. He'd had a million errands to run that day and when he was done he was just going to go home and do nothing ("do nothing" is code for "play Fable") . AND he was going to go to bed early. So, around 9PM, we were text messaging and I asked if we should talk on the phone and say good night to each other before he fell asleep. His response: "I'm awake." And I knew. I knew instantly. He was playing Fable and could send me the occasional text message, but he couldn't call me because he couldn't talk and fight the forces of evil at the same time. And then I started to wonder...

Is it really the X Box that is the "other woman"? Is he cheating on me with the game system, or am I the "other woman"?

To answer that question I had to first answer the following: Which came first, Hottie or the X Box? Which did he love first? Which has he loved longer? Which gives him less back talk?

In short, I'm doomed. I'm the other woman and there's no way around it. In 50 years from now, there will still be some sort of game system in my living room, I'm sure of it. He'll never give it up... Of course, I can take some consolation in the fact that the X Box and I do have a few things in common. We both take up way too much time, we're both far more expensive than he ever bargained for, and we'll both kick his ass when he leasts expects it, if he let's us...

Public displays of frustration...

2005-08-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Is it okay to publicly talk/write about your frustrations with the opposite sex; especially if the object of your frustration is your significant other?
ANSWER: Probably not.
EXAMPLE: Talked with Boyfriend last night about my absence from the world of blogging. I told him that I missed my blog, I missed my faithful readers, I missed writing and that my public missed me. He didn't really see the big deal, so I asked him if he minded if I went back to blogging. He said he didn't ever remember asking me not to. Right. He hadn't, BUT I'm not sure he fully understands the purpose of the What the Blog - Blog. So I tried to explain.

"I write about boys," I told him, "and you're the only boy in my life."
"So why don't you write about something else then?" he asked, innocently.

Clearly, he doesn't understand. By the end of the conversation he made it clear that he didn't care whether I blogged or not, and I made a promise that I would not say anything that would hurt feelings or embarrass him. Honestly, he'll probably never read my blog. He has about a million better things to do with his internet time, than read my rants about all of the things that boys do that drive me crazy. Not to mention he doesn't have to read my rants, he's lucky enough to get to hear them, live and in person. I'm not sure why he'd even want to read my blog. Still, it was important to me that he understand what my blog consists of - full disclosure.

The question still remains though - is it okay to publicly rant about all of the things that drive me crazy about boys? Especially when it's clear that there is only one boy in my life about whom I'd be ranting? For me this is a release. It's my outlet. Some people internalize it, some people have to talk it out, others write about it; songs, poetry, blog posts. I do the latter and on a couple of occasions I've actually worked out some issues. In short, I'm back. I've returned to the blogging world and will again be publicly displaying my frustrations. But I promised to be kind, and so I will. But don't worry, toeing that line shouldn't affect my quick wit or sharp tongue that you've all come to know and love...

And you say she's just a friend...

2005-08-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: If two people are friends, start dating, become even closer, and then break up for reasons other than infidelity, abuse or anything else unforgivable, why can't they remain friends? And, once it has been determined by one of the involved parties that a friendship is not a possibility, why on EARTH is it so difficult for the idiot ex-boyfriend to comprehend??
ANSWER: Because the definition of "friend" has changed and because guys want what they can't have, are selfish, and never realize what they've got until it's gone...
EXAMPLE: Just had a lengthy (and by lengthy, I mean, like 6 months long) discussion with High School Friend. She and her beau have recently parted ways for what seems like the trillionth time, and as always, he wants them to "be friends". Here's the argument: They were best friends for a year before they started dating. They remained best friends while they dated. They have broken up because it's fish or cut bait time and they're not "it" for each other. Seems simple, and it would seem that the easy decision would be to remain friends. I mean, why not, right? WRONG. Let's review one simple fact, just real quick: they did not stop seeing each other because they don't love each other. Hence, they are still in love. One more real quick fun fact: they did not stop dating because they don't have chemistry or intense physical attraction to each other. Hence, there is still chemistry and intense physical attraction. What do you think the likelihood is that these two can just "hang out"? I'd say there is no likelihood. It will ultimately lead to more-than-friends situations. And this will lead to him gettin his and her gettin her heart broken - again. I have to say, I am continually amazed by the women around me. They are brilliant, absolutely top notch in their respective professions, quick witted, blessed with street smarts and good instincts, driven and ambitious. High School Friend is no exception. What then, has caused her to lose all of her good sense when this man is involved? High School Friend is being taken advantage of. She is being used in the worst way. It's hard to see from where she's standing, she still gets all of the intimate benefits of being with him - at least until it's time to go home or be in public. Because when it all comes down to it, they might go out on "dates", make out on the couch, talk several times a day and share everything with each other, but he is NOT her boyfriend. He does not want to be, nor does he intend to be. And judging by his current behavior, he does not deserve to be. He certainly isn't displaying any qualities that we all look for in the man we want to spend the rest of our lives with, that's for sure. He's using her, he's knowingly hurting her and he doesn't seem to be very remorseful about it. My advice to High School Friend? Run, don't walk, as fast as you can, away from this Jerk. Hell, kiss a cute boy you have no intention of getting to know, that always helps. I have no doubt that he cares about her, very deeply, but he has no idea how to show it or handle it. Much easier said than done, I've been on the receiving end of this very advice and it's a bitter pill to swallow. But for somebody who claims to want to be "friends" he sure doesn't know how to act like one, so it's time to show him what happens when grown-ups break up. They move on to better. Seems unlikely now, that High School Friend will find better, but I can safely say to her that better is out there and he's just waiting for her to wake up, realize that she's worth a hell of a lot more, and open herself up to meeting him. It'll happen, it's just gonna take some good girlfriends, couple of quarts of ice cream, a few chick flicks, and most likely some vodka, but it will happen. And won't we all have fun makin it happen...

Nice day for a White Wedding

2005-06-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: On a scale of 1 - 10, how good are weddings for meeting/hooking up with the opposite sex?
ANSWER: 1928371928371982379128 - they're awesome.
EXAMPLE: Roommate got married a couple of weekends ago and I had the very distinct pleasure of serving as the Maid of Honor. I was very happy to do it and was definitely honored to have been asked, but the question of who would serve as my date had been nagging at me for some time. As the blessed day drew closer and there seemed to be no date in sight, I freaked, bribed a friend with free beer, and breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to be that drunk bridesmaid dancing on the table at the reception and making out with the weird cousin that nobody really knows. So that was taken care of, I figured I'd do my duty, stand there, look pretty, fix Roommate's dress, cry my eyes out, dodge the bouquet, you know all the stuff that come with always being a bridesmaid and never being a bride. Funny how what you expect to happen and what really happens are often two very different things...

Best Man arrived at our house 2 days before the wedding. As he got out of his rental car I peeked out of my window to check him out before I had to meet him. Holy cow, gorgeous. I ran to my bathroom, did a quick check, fluffed my already huge hair and casually walked out and just happened to run into he and Boy Roommate in the living room. Boy Roommate is pretty much a neanderthal when it comes to certain social graces so after being as nonchalant as I possibly could for about 5 minutes I introduced myself. "I didn't even know Boy Roommate had a roommate," Best Man told me. I laughed and shot Boy Roommate a look of hate for not having mentioned me and retreated back to my room. Best Man and Boy Roommate spent the remainder of the evening playing video games, much to my dismay, and it wasn't until the rehearsal dinner that Best Man and I finally got to "connect".

Not knowing anybody at the rehearsal dinner, we were forced to hang out with each other. (THANK GOD) And as luck would have it, it turns out that he's just perfect. Long story short: I quickly called Guy Friend to tell him he was off the hook as my wedding date and it was an incredible few days, an absolutely beautiful wedding and love was definitely in the air. I try to keep my geekiness about boys in the lovey-dovey sense, to a minimum, but truth be told, I'm totally geeked on this guy. The bad news, you ask? He lives 1500 miles away...

I haven't blogged in a while because I've been lovely in love and it's just not as easy to blog when I'm not the Bitter Betty that I normally am; so to all of my faithful readers, I apologize. I'm sure that the frustrations of a LDR will get the better of me soon enough and I'll be back in saddle and full of witty rants. And of course, while this boy does seem to be quite perfect, he is after all, still a boy, and will no doubt to boy things that make me nuts. Stay tuned.

Hot or Not?

2005-06-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

PLEASE NOTE: PORTIONS OF THIS POST MUST BE CREDITED TO CONTRIBUTING EDITOR, BEST FRIEND. THANK YOU BE FRI.

QUESTION: Why is it that the more inappropriate something is, the hotter it is?
ANSWER: Because taboo is sexy and guys are savages when it comes to stuff like that and girls always want what the shouldn't have.
EXAMPLE: I have received several comments on my white tank/black bra post, all from guys and all some variation of: "Hottie, FYI, the white tank/black bra combo is SO HOT." Thank you, Average Male Friend. I discussed this with Best Friend and she has this to say about it:

Isn't the fact that it is unacceptable, and therefore a rarity, what makes it SO
HOT? I mean, if your grandma was walking around town with a black bra and a
wife beater and your mom followed in a red bra and a tight white tee, would it
then be SO HOT to see someone your own age doing it? Let's not forget that a few
decades ago, a woman wearing a knee-length skirt in public was SO HOT.

And she is absolutely right. (My apologies, Guys, if the thought of Grandma in the white tank/black bra or mom in a white shirt/red bra was gross. Try to put it out of your mind, think about something else, like... Lindsay Lohan in a wife beater and a black bra. That help? Again, my apologies.) It's the things that aren't supposed to be "hot" that are the most attractive. I suppose it's the same reason that tattoos and piercing are so sexy to me. Because I work in a very conservative job, was raised in a conservative house and have a conservative family; but I don't want to be with somebody who looks conservative. I want to be with a Rock Star... Since I've become a grown up I've mostly given up the dream of marrying a professional skater or a drummer in a rock band, but those things aren't any less attractive to me. Same thing goes for guys. I'm willing to bet that I can safely say that the majority of the men out there do want to be with a girl who will make a good wife and mother, somebody they can take home to the fam; but they love the thought of something a little more naughty. Which explains the fascination with the Catholic School girl, pigtails and Desperate Housewives. I think Ludacris summed it up perfectly when he so profoundly said "We want a lady on the street and a freak in the bed to say Yeah." So I'm happy to report that as I sit here at my computer in my wife beater and black bra combo, there are several guys out there who think that the outfit, if nothing else, is SO HOT.

Once, Twice, Three times a Lady...

2005-06-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

SIDENOTE: I REALIZE THAT THIS BLOG IS ABOUT MY FRUSTRATIONS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX, BUT TODAY I DIGRESS. I AM ALLOWED TO DO THIS BECAUSE IT'S MY BLOG. DEAL.

QUESTION: When is it okay to wear a dark colored bra under a white or light colored shirt?
ANSWER: When you're a stripper or a hooker; otherwise, never.
EXAMPLE: A few weeks ago I went on vacation to Florida with Best Friend. I make it a point to be as comfortable as possible when traveling, and especially for an entire day's worth of traveling, so I wore comfortable jeans, and a sweatshirt over a tank top. Now, Home City and South Beach, Florida, do not share the same climate, and I was very unhappy to realize my wardrobe mistake when I got off the plane at my sunny destination. I suppose you're wondering why I didn't just take off my sweatshirt and sport the tank. I'll tell you why. Because in my haste to make it to the airport, I did not consider that I was putting on a white tank top over my very favorite black bra. Upon realizing this the second I stepped off of the airplane and was met by a wave of very heavy, very hot air, I cursed my wardrobe decision, but decided that in the interest of not looking like trash, I would suffer through the discomfort. This was the correct decision, in my opinion, and really not one I had to contemplate for too long. When would it have been okay to take off my sweatshirt and rock the white tank/black bra combo? In the privacy of my own house, at a professional wrestling event, but nowhere else, certainly not in a place as filled with people as the airport. I was prompted to write this blog upon receiving my morning email from Best Friend. She recounted the morning's metro trip into work, where she noticed a young lady wearing a gauzy white shirt over a black bra. Thinking that this was inappropriate in general, Best Friend hoped that the girl was maybe on her way to the mall, (hopefully to purchase a more appropriate shirt or more appropriate underwear) or to see a friend, or something like that. No such luck, however, because as Best Friend made her way to her office, she observed the inappropriately dressed female approach the security checkpoint for a nearby office, whip out her staff badge and proceed to work. As I sit here retelling this story, I am shaking my head, still in utter disbelief. Quick disclaimer, I am by no stretch of the imagination a feminist, in fact I'm probably the furthest thing from it, but Ladies, please, for the sake of women in the work place everywhere, I beg you, dress appropriately for the office. Or if you don't, please don't be expected to be taken seriously, because it's hard to be credible in the professional world when you show up to work in your underwear.

My stupid mouth...

2005-05-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Is it possible that we, as women, are sometimes too quick to jump to conclusions about the men in our lives? Can it possibly be true that there is a legitimate explanation for why guys don't act exactly as we'd like them too?
ANSWER: Yes, it is possible and in most situations is probably the case. The legitimate explanation is that they will never act exactly as we'd like them to because they're guys, and they don't think like us; we just don't always speak the same language. Don't worry ladies, I'm not letting men off the hook, on many occasions they truly deserve all of the rage we focus on them, but every once in a while I think there's just too much lost in translation...
EXAMPLE: Met with my consultants (Best Friend & Girlfriend) and decided to take Reader Kevin's advice about New Guy, and call him. We were sure to map out a good plan, identify all of the points I wanted to make, while being very sure not to be unnecessarily accusatory or irrational. First, I need to make a few of things clear before I go on: 1.) New Guy is not a bad guy, I was never really angry with him, more I was just disappointed and confused; 2.) New Guy's circumstances are not as easy to explain as just being "out of town for an undetermined amount of time" - he was having a serious medical procedure and recovery time was unknown; and 3.) I was not the only one he was not communicating with - his boss and coworkers were also very unclear about his status and were not hearing from him any more than I was. In my defense, given the way that we left things, I was pretty confident about his feelings for me. But everything was still in the very early stages, when you question everything, still unclear about what this all might turn into. I was clear that he had feelings for me, and based on the time we spent together before he left, everything was looking pretty promising. I suppose that it was my insecurity along with my concern for his well-being that caused me to over-react. I'll be frank and not go on forever, in this case, about this guy, I was wrong. At least it seems that way tonight. I called, I got his voicemail, which automatically caused me to worry about whether or not he was purposely ignoring my call. Despite the agony I felt at that moment, I left a friendly message letting him know that I wanted to check and see how he was doing and to please call me when he had a chance. He called back 20 minutes later and we had a great two hour conversation. I didn't use any of my talking points, I didn't feel like I needed to. There were a million things I was convinced I had to make known to him, but after talking to him for about 10 minutes it was clear that he was not trying to be mean or inconsiderate by not calling. It's been a rough month for him and he's had a lot on his mind. Some understanding on my part was not at all too much to ask for. We had a great time catching up, we laughed a lot and we made plans to get together next week. I'm not going to get ahead of myself, I won't be picking out China this weekend, but I'm also not going to be so fatalistic and emotional about the whole thing that I self-destruct, either. I think it's safe for me to remain... cautiously optimistic. I'm also going to resist the urge to over analyze the conversation, and just let whatever happens, happen. The call forced me to do a couple of things: realize what I already knew, that New Guy is actually a quality guy; and realize that I needed to put my big girl pants on and not jump to conclusions without giving him the chance to explain. Both are good lessons I'm glad I didn't have to learn the hard way. So tonight I'm going to go to bed with butterflies in my stomach because of New Guy, and get a good night's sleep. I'll start obsessing about when he'll call me to firm up our plans, tomorrow...

What's my age again?

2005-05-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Is it ever okay to allege to like a girl, act on those alleged feelings, and then just out of the blue, without any sort of explanation or forewarning, stop all communications?
ANSWER: Only if you are 13 years old, and that still doesn't make it okay, just makes it a little more understandable.
EXAMPLE: That call I was waiting on from New Guy? Never came, isn't coming. How do I know? Because Girlfriend gave me the scoop. Kind of. New Guy has been out of town for sometime, and unable to communicate much, with anybody. Fair enough. Wasn't sure when he would be back, so exactly when the call would come was unknown, but the eventual call was promised, nevertheless. Had lunch with Girlfriend yesterday who informed me that New Guy was in her office that morning. Leading me to believe that the call was probably not coming, otherwise it would have already. I think this is a fair assumption. Girlfriend also informed me that New Guy asked how I was doing. Interesting, since he does have my number and he could have very easily called me like he said he would, and found out, first hand, how I was doing. And it is fair to say that New Guy wasn't so "New" that just not calling is okay or at all acceptable. Not only was he not "new" enough to be off the hook, but he has also been a friend of mine for no less than a year and we work in the same business. That all being said, now what? Do I just ignore it and go about my business, knowing that at some point, while going about my actual business, I am bound to run into him? Do I deserve an explanation or do I just really want one? Easy come easy go? Regardless of what I should do, my pride is a factor here; how much do I let that determine my next steps, or lack thereof? No matter what happens, the fact does remain that sooner or later we all reach a point in our lives when we cannot deny that we have reached adulthood and it's time to act accordingly. New Guy's reasons for no longer wanting to communicate/date me are his own, and he's certainly under no obligation to make them known to me. But polite consideration dictates that he should at least make it known that he no longer wants to talk to me. (And yes, I suppose his conspicuous absence from my list of recent calls does make it known on some level, but I'm looking for just a little more here.) Time to put your big boy pants on, New Guy, and just be honest.

You can cross the line whenever you want to...

2005-05-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: At which point in a relationship can girls actually stop waiting around for guys? Is the whole thing spent waiting around for something?
ANSWER: Never, we're always waiting for something, whether it's the first e-mail/phone call, the step that crosses the line from casual dating to exclusivity, or the step from exclusivity to forever. I'm not sure what comes after that, but I'm sure I'll have to wait for it too.
EXAMPLE: I have several girlfriends at many different stages of a relationship and while we're all at much different points we all seem to be playing the same game: the waiting game. Right now, I am happy to announce that I have met somebody. He's extremely smart, terribly funny and incredibly handsome. (We are obviously in the very, very early stages of a "relationship"; so early in fact I wouldn't even dare to call it a "relationship" anywhere that he might overhear me, but for the sake of this post, we'll go with it.) So what am I waiting for? The call back. Best Friend has been dating a boy for a couple of months, it started out very slowly, by her choice, and the guy is great, and wonderful and caring and she has a ton of fun with him. What is Best Friend waiting for? Him to cross the line and call her his girlfriend. My very close Girlfriend has been dating a guy for over a year, they're clearly exclusive, they are in love, she has a key to his place and his car and vice versa. What is Girlfriend waiting for? Him to cross the line and make her his wife. What do we all have in common? The sheer pain and agony that is waiting. You see, we all just have to be patient. I've made it clear that I want a call back. I have favorably responded to all of New Guy's flirting and advances, there can be no mistaking that I am interested in him, but I have effectively put the ball in his court and now have no choice but to wait patiently, or look like a psycho. Best Friend is obviously past the early stages, it's clear that they care for one another, it's clear that neither of them are seeing anybody else because they spend all of their free time together. They do all of the boyfriend/girlfriend things, pick each other up from the airport, cook for each other, and have both met each others' friends. She has made it clear that she has no interest in seeing anybody else and now she has no choice but to wait patiently, or look like a psycho. Girlfriend and her boyfriend have had discussions about the future, they both ultimately want the same things in life, they are in total agreement that they want to be married, and to each other and now she has no choice but to wait patiently, or look like a psycho. One thing is becoming more and more clear to me ladies and gentlemen... If you boys wouldn't be so slow we wouldn't have to be so psychotic. So you see boys, it's all up to you. Shit or get off the pot, and do it in a timely manor and nobody gets hurt...

Why can't we be friends? PART 3

2005-05-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Can you ever really be friends with your ex? Should you ever be friends with an ex? What's the point?
ANSWER: No. No. There is no point.
EXAMPLE: Pop quiz time. Please answer the following questions. If you don't have a boyfriend, pretend that you do.

1. My new boyfriend is very close friends with his ex-girlfriend who dumped him, am I comfortable with this?
2. My new boyfriend hangs out with his ex-girlfriend who dumped him, am I comfortable with this?
3. My new boyfriend talks to on the phone/internet/via text message with his ex-girlfriend who dumped him, am I comfortable with this?

Chances are that you answered "no" to each of those 3 questions, and you should have. Because like I said in Part 1 and 2, there is no reason to have a close relationship with an ex unless you're hoping it will lead to more. So, this proves that if you want to have a healthy relationship with New Boyfriend, there is no point in being friends with Ex Boyfriend.

What if you don't have a New Boyfriend? Well then you must ask yourself whether or not you're hoping that it will lead to more. If you are, you'd better just fess up and pray for the best, but like I said in Part 2, he's not hoping for the same thing. So if this is the case, there is no point in being friends with Ex Boyfriend.

What if you truly believe that you're not hoping this "friendship" will lead to more? Like I said in Part 2, congrats, you're moving right along. So whatever you do, don't lose your momentum by thinking you guys can just be friends and nobody will get hurt. Somebody will get hurt, and chances are, it's going to be the same person that cried those bulbous tears the first time around...

Why can't we be friends? PART 2

2005-05-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Can you ever really be friends with your ex? Should you ever be friends with an ex? What's the point?
ANSWER: No. No. There is no point.
EXAMPLE: The reasons you shouldn't be friends with an ex are a little bit harder to explain than the reasons why it is impossible. You can always justify why it's okay, but I'm here to tell you that it's not a good idea. Nothing good will come of it. Besides, it's just unnecessary. Once you graduate from high school, you are no longer bound by high school rule of law. You don't sit next to that person in geometry, you don't share a locker, and your relationship was likely more intense and thus more difficult to forget than anything you had in high school. Granted, you might work together, have some mutual friends or something like that, so being civil is one thing, but being friends is another unnecessary, thing, altogether. There's no hanging out on a regular basis. There is no chatting it up like you used to. It's just not a good idea, unless of course you want to find yourself right back where you started when you first broke up and you felt like you wanted to die. Here's what it comes down to: If he broke up with you and still wants to be friends, it's not because he wants to get back together with you (and you can try to convince yourself all you want that you don't want to get back together with him, but if you truly didn't want to, you wouldn't bother with the friendship. You've got plenty of friends that aren't your ex-boyfriend, sista, go hang out with them) it's because he feels guilty - still. At some point he hurt you, and it was probably pretty obvious. You probably cried in front of him, asked "why?" more times than you care to admit, ate a lot of ice cream, got really drunk, or any of the other millions of unreasonable things we do when we get dumped. And unless he's completely unfeeling (and he might be, in which case his motivation is purely self-serving and that is reason enough to NOT be friends with him) he probably felt bad for hurting you. So in an attempt to ease the guilt he claims that he wants to be friends. Don't fall for it Girlfriend's, you will just end up getting hurt again. Consider this: this person was very special to you, probably one of the most important people in your life at some point in your life. At some point he told you that you were no longer one of the most important people in his life and this, understandably so, did not go over well. Why put yourself in the the position of feeling like the least important person in the world - again? He's not trying to say that he wants you back. If he did, instead of saying "Do you want to hang out?" He'd be saying "Do you want to get married?" (And if he's in the self-serving category he'll just be asking "Do you want to make-out?" in which case you should definitely stay away, duh.) To wrap this up, it's a bad idea because you're setting yourself up to get hurt. If you've moved on enough to think that you're in a place where you'd be okay with being "just friends" with your ex, well I congratulate you, and I beg of you, keep moving. You're halfway there.

Why can't we be friends? PART 1

2005-05-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

THIS WILL BE A THREE-PART POST. I TRIED TO FIT IT ALL INTO ONE, BUT IT GOT EXTREMELY LONG AND HARD TO ARTICULATE. I FIGURED I'D SPARE MY 2 READERS AND BREAK IT UP A LITTLE. YOU'RE WELCOME.

QUESTION: Can you ever really be friends with your ex? Should you ever be friends with an ex? What's the point?
ANSWER: No. No. There is no point.
EXAMPLE: I have two significant ex-boyfriends. The most recent being the one that just got engaged. I am not friends with Engaged Ex, I have no plans; nor do I have any desire, to ever be friends with him, although he claims that we should be and could be. He's mistaken. There are about a trillion reasons why I have no desire to be friends with him, but I'll just list a few that support the argument at hand: 1.) he is engaged - it would not be appropriate for us to have any sort of relationship other than "hello" if we should run into each other on the street; 2.) we never were "just friends", we were interested in each other, then we dated, then we were serious, then we broke up - no need to attempt to be something we never were in the first place; and, 3.) there is hurt there that will never go away. I'm not going to get into it, but I can never be friends with somebody that I can't trust and I don't trust him. It's as simple as that. There are things that happened that I don't think I can ever forget, and because of that there will always be resentment. It's silly to even try to ignore that very important fact.
The First Ex situation is a little different... He and I parted ways about 3 years ago, and really were not friends until about a year and a half ago. Before that we were always civil, we had to be, we worked together and had many of the same friends. No big deal, we didn't trick ourselves into thinking that we could actually have a close friendship, but we saw each other in social settings often, and it was fine. In the last 1.5 years we've gotten closer. I attribute this to a couple of things: 1.) we have each been in serious relationships, this takes some pressure off, we've both moved on; and, 2.) we've both grown up a lot. I was very young when we dated, in fact at the beginning of our relationship I couldn't even get into a bar. (First Ex is 6 years older than me, but we all know that guys mature at a glacial pace, so that puts us about even.) In the last 1.5 years we've both entered into new relationships, ended relationships and cried on each others' shoulders. But what happens when the wounds heal and you find yourself face to face with an old flame? Disaster, that's what can, and will, happen. This hasn't happened for First Ex and I but it will. I assure you, if we let it, it will. Admittedly, First Ex is also First Love. That's a title you never get rid of, and you only get one. I'm a believer that you never forget or stop loving your First Love. You might not be "in" love, you might stop being attracted, but the feelings never go away 100%. And this is why we cannot be friends. There are too many "firsts" that get attached to "First Love". You experience emotions for the first time - good and bad. Trying to be casual friends with somebody who will grip your heart forever is playing with fire. It's just far too easy to remember all of the fun you had and all those times you laughed together and all of those inside jokes that will always be funny to just the two of you. But please, I beg you, proceed with caution because it's easy to remember the reasons you fell in love with that person in first place, just make sure you don't forget that there's also a reason or two why he's your "ex-boyfriend" and your "boyfriend"...

Age ain't nothin but a number...

2005-05-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Or is it? Why am I an Old Man magnet?
ANSWER: Because I am so mature. Yeah right, cause you can tell that just by looking at somebody.
EXAMPLE: Drew the short straw at the office today and had to go on the lunch run. While standing at the bar waiting for the order, an elderly gentleman asked me how my day was going. He was polite and I politely responded and went back to my waiting. A couple of seconds later he interrupted my waiting to tell me that I looked very nice. I responded with a polite "Thank you" and went back to waiting. He then asked me if I would like to accompany him to the MLBaseball game that afternoon. WTF?!?! There are several reasons that I would NOT be attending this game, not the least of which is that I do not go out on dates with elderly men, men I have not even been formerly introduced to, and strange men. He was all of the above. Three strikes, you're out buddy. What was he thinking?? More importantly, what are they all thinking? "They all" being the elderly men that hit on me everytime I go out. It's become a sort of fun game with my friends. How long will Hottie be in the bar/restaurant/grocery store, before the oldest man in the joint will grossly hit on her? The record is currently about 5 minutes. I'd like not to break that record, in fact, I'd like not to be hit on by old guys. It's not that I'm not flattered by the attention, and I suppose that given my current status (hopelessly single - I think, but that's another post) I really should be happy to take what I can get, but my idea of a "hot date" is not dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon at the local Denny's where my suitor can get the senior citizen's discount. Much like high school boys are off limits to me, so am I off limits to anybody currently drawing social security checks.

We regret to inform you that...

2005-05-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: What do you do when your ex, gets engaged? Just how are you supposed to react?
ANSWER: You're supposed to freak out, duh. You freak out and then, after you have sufficiently lost your mind, you take a deep breath, count backwards from 10 (or maybe 10,000, depending on the situation), and then you thank God that one of you had the good sense to break-up because it obviously wasn't meant to be. Easier said than done, right? Right, but I speak from experience, no matter how great he made you feel during the best of times, it cannot compare to the relief you'll feel when you've stopped freaking out.
EXAMPLE: So a couple of weeks ago I got the call I'd been preparing myself for for weeks, but still wasn't nearly ready for when it finally came. Sister-of-the-Ex called to deliver the good news. (To those of you that think it's weird that I still talk to my Ex's family, well, you're probably right, but there are several circumstances that contribute to this continuing relationship, so get over it.) "Well Hottie," she said, "it happened. Ex and New Girl got engaged." What do you say to that? I mean, what is there that you can actually say out loud to anybody but Best Friend and not sound psycho? Right, there is nothing. "I'm so sorry to tell you this while you're at work, but we're friends hun, and you needed to know." More stunned silence, although by now I was also fighting back tears. I was at work, so I calmly got up from my desk, closed my door and finally managed to get out a very weak "Oh. Well, yeah, guess we all knew it was coming." I could tell by her tone that she hated to be the one to tell me, and while I was completely humiliated, I appreciated her concern. She had called because Ex thought that I needed to know and was unsure how he should go about telling me. While this was terribly thoughtful of him, hearing of his concern only infuriated me. I was still fighting back tears, although not very well, and all I could say was, "Well, thanks for letting me know, I'm really busy right now, so I've gotta go." She said that she understood and I hung-up and proceeded to sit at my desk not moving, not talking, not doing anything, for at least 5 minutes. I spent the rest of the day moving from one emotional state to another, and by the end of the day had finally settled on Rage. How on Earth could he do this to me? How could somebody that I had loved so deeply, turn out to be such a bastard? How could he lie to me by telling me that he loved me, for so long? How could he get engaged to somebody 7 months after we had broken up?? SEVEN MONTHS for cryin out loud! I spent the evening with Roommate, talking about what an idiot he was and how lucky I was that it wasn't me getting married to him, drinking cosmos and crying. Lucky for me I have Roommate, more than willing to humor me and let me wallow in my own self-pity, and lucky for me I have Best Friend, who is also willing to do all of those things for me when I finally let Roommate off the hook. Went to bed that first night with all the Rage Demons exorcised, just feeling like complete crap. While it is necessary to do those things, they never really make you feel better, just hung-over, which is how I woke up feeling. The next day was spent just generally feeling kicked in the teeth. I had come to the realization that it wasn't that Ex didn't want to get married, as I tricked myself into believing, but rather he just didn't want to get married to me. I wasn't good enough to be with forever. I wasn't what he wanted til death do us part. I wasn't who he wanted to grow old with. I didn't get much sleep the second night, but sometime during all the tossing and turning, a huge weight was lifted. Because at some point I realized, that after 7 months of asking myself why he didn't want me, what she had that I didn't; and why I'd wasted so much time with him anyway, that is was really finally all over. I didn't have to wonder any of this anymore because none of it mattered. He'd moved on and now I really could too. This was the closure that I really needed. (As an aside, I've really always hated the word "closure". It sounds so clinical and way too Dr. Phil for my liking, so I hate to use it in this case, but it was the only thing I could come up with, and as much as I hate to admit, it's fitting in this situation.) In the end, it's okay to be pissed and mad at the world, as long as it's only for a short while. And it's okay to feel like somebody's punched you in the gut, in fact, it's probably inevitable. Your ego will be bruised. You will be humiliated that he seems to have moved on before you have and you'll be enraged that he's got somebody and you don't, even though you truly know that you're over him. Because I can say, with 100% honestly, that I don't want to be with Ex anymore. If he weren't engaged I wouldn't want to be with him. We're not right for each other, we don't belong together until death do us part. He had the good sense to walk away, when I didn't have any sense at all. So exhale Ladies, it's going to be okay, the hang-over will be gone in a few hours, the anger will subside and the relief will take its place. Let it, because let me tell you, it'll be the greatest feeling you've had since you truly started to believing that it's his loss...

That's what I love about high school boys, I get older and they stay the same age...

2005-05-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: I AM IN NO WAY A PERVERT. I DO NOT LIKE HIGH SCHOOL BOYS, I DO NOT WANT TO DATE THEM, NOR DO I LUST AFTER THEM. I AM FLATTERED WHEN THEY FIND ME ATTRACTIVE AND I WILL HARMLESSLY FLIRT BACK WITH THEM WHEN THEY FLIRT WITH ME. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO "ROB THE CRADLE" AND AM MORE THAN HAPPY TO LEAVE THAT TO THE BOYS MY OWN AGE.

QUESTION: When did high school boys get so stinkin cute??
ANSWER: When I graduated from high school.
EXAMPLE: Just hit up the Dairy Queen drive-thru (yes it is way to late to be eating a Blizzard, but I don't care) the kid at the window at my local DQ was ridiculously cute. I say "kid" because there is no way he had graduated from high school yet. Anyway, when I pulled up to the window, Kid asked me if I went to Random High School. I just stared back at him, not saying anything, Kid kind of blushed and said "Oh, I'm sorry, do you go to Rival High School?" I stared for a couple more seconds, giving Kid enough time to determine that I was completely insane, before saying "No, but thank you, you are so sweet." Kid just handed me my change, looked at me like I was a freak and I drove away, grinning like an idiot. Kid had no idea he had just made my whole day by mistaking me for a high school girl. For those of us standing at the base of the Hill, we live for these mistakes. Now, I fully understand that being in one's mid-20's in no way makes one old, so before all of you 30-somethings jump all over me, please understand that I realize this. But as a woman who has recently reached her mid-20's and has appropriately moved into her quarter-life crisis, I am no longer allowed to even consider dating high school boys, and really, shouldn't even consider college boys because, let's be honest, probably not a lot in common. (This is a generalization about college boys, I realize this, so before all of you college-somethings jump all over me, please understand that I know this is a generalization. I'm sure there are plenty of college-aged boys that I could have a very fulfilling and meaningful relationship with.) Oddly, I've been noticing a lot of very attractive young men around me lately and it makes me wonder: where were these boys when I was in high school? I assure you that the boys I went to school with were not nearly this cute. Or was it just that I saw them everyday in their natural habitat, school, and in all of their adolescent glory? Was it just that I'd grown up with them or that they hadn't really grown up yet? (Which begs the question: Do they ever grow up? But that's another post.) Had the wounds of being pushed down on the playground or being called ugly by them in grade school just not healed yet? Were the boys I went to school with just old news? The answer is, C, all of the above. The grass is always greener, the boys at the other high schools were always cuter, and I can't date high school boys anyway. I'm sure that if I went to Kid's high school and asked the girls there, they wouldn't be nearly an enamored with him as I was, and I'm sure that if I had talked to Kid for more than 15 seconds I would find out that he was just like every other high school boy - off limits anyway.

Love in the Age of the Internet

2005-05-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: When did technology get so out of control that personal contact has been replaced with e-mail correspondence; phone calls replaced with text messages; and sneakily asking your friend about her cute co-worker replaced with looking him up on google??
ANSWER: About the same time we all got so lazy that we could no longer be bothered with spending 7 minutes making mac & cheese, we needed the speedier, 3 minutes Easy Mac option.
EXAMPLE: Singles used to hit up night clubs and bars in search of the perfect mate, now there is speed dating and about a jillion internet dating sites, designed to help you find your perfectly compatible partner. Granted, we still frequent the local bars, eyes darting around the room in search of Mr. or Ms. Right, but instead of handing out our phone numbers, written hastily on a soggy cocktail napkin, we hand out our business cards, complete with business phone, cell phone, email address and webpage. This leaves no excuse for not being in touch, unless of course the card is lost, which let's face it ladies, is always the case if we don't hear from him... But back to the subject at hand. Waiting by the phone is a thing of the 90's Ladies. Today we stare at our e-inbox, instead. And rather than checking to make sure the phone is actually working, we compulsively click the "send/receive" button, and bug the IT guy, insisting that something is wrong with our e-mail. No, Ladies, the server isn't down, he just hasn't written yet. Let me make one thing abundantly clear: Boys do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT think about this crap as much or in the same way that we do. E-mail has made corresponding with the opposite sex not only much more convenient, but also much more deliberate. The first e-mail must be cleverly crafted, not too long - we don't want to seem needy - and not too short - have to effectively convey our level of interest, after all. It must have just the right amount of wit without being too caustic and sincere and sweet enough to be endearing. There must be numerous drafts and our consultant girlfriends must proof and edit before actually sending it. Sadly, an e-mail that will take 2 minutes to read and will be retained for an even shorter amount of time often takes half a day to produce. When it's finally ready, with a trembling hand, you must click send without hesitation and resist the urge to request a "read receipt". After that we wait, helplessly at the mercy of the cyber-gods. Good luck Ladies, and may all of your travels down the internet superhighway be filled with positive e-mails responses and sweet text messages.

When it rains it pours...

2005-05-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: Why is that, when you're single you can go days, weeks, months, without so much as a second look from even a mildly attractive guy, but the minute, no the second that you have a potential love interest, guys start coming out of the woodwork??
ANSWER: Who the F knows. They say that as soon as you start acting confident guys notice and guys like a confident woman. Whatever, I think that a memo must go out, all guys are on some email update list or something, it runs on the ticker at the bottom of their cell phones, a message is broadcast in tones only the male species can hear or special smoke signals are sent out, because at the early stages of a relationship-in-the-making I am anything but confident. In fact, I spend the greater part of my day questioning every bit of corespondence, or lack thereof. Guys, we beg you, stop the madness!
EXAMPLE: Went out for a girls night this weekend with a few girlfriends. Had a few drinks at a local bar and happened to start chatting with two super cute British boys. (Now, I understand that Brittish boys, for the most part, are usually not hot, but these two were. They even had perfect teeth. Lesser Brit's teeth weren't quite as perfect as Perfect Brit, but they weren't any worse than the average American who's teeth weren't bad enough to justify thousands of dollars in mouth metal.) Let me tell you that Perfect Brit had these hauntingly beautiful, dark, huge brown eyes, extremely sexy 5 o'clock shadow and arms to DIE for. They moved to a nearby ski town to be ski bums and got odd construction jobs, and were just in our city checking the place out for the weekend. They chatted us up in their very adorable accents all evening, and at the end of the night when girlfriends and I were sufficiently drunk and about ready to fall asleep, we said our goodbyes and Perfect Brit asked Girlfriend if she wouldn't mind spending her Sunday showing him around her lovely city. I could actually see her wheels spinning. A trillion things were going through her mind, not the least of which is the scenerio where she spends the day with Perfect Brit, it's horribly romantic and tragic because they are forced to part ways as the sun sets because he has to return to Mother England and she to her ho hum everyday life. Yes, we have watched far too many stupid romance movies and read far too many romance novels, which should really be referred to as "fantasy" and not "romance" because we all know that's what they are, but I digress. Anyway, after much deliberation she politely declined, he seemed very disappointed, kissed us all on our cheecks and we started to walk away. No big deal right? Wrong. Before we got out of arm's reach he grabs her arm, she spins around and right smack into a fairy tale kiss. Girlfriend stands there stunned, we all recover and drag her into a cab where she spends the entire cab ride with her drunk head in her hands saying "Oh my gosh, what was I thinking?" Guilt was starting to set in because she has in the last week, met a new guy that she really thinks that she likes, which explains why she declined to be Perfect Brit's Perfect tour guide. I think she's got nothing to feel guilty about, she and New Guy have been out once but still, it just goes to show that when it rain it pours!